Leaving the Mormon Church: My Story
Before I dive in, let me clarify the different names (in case you aren’t familiar) of the Mormon church and what they have been/are currently known by so we are all on the same page - “Mormon” “LDS” and most recently (since I left) the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
I woke up at 4am with a sore throat today and a very strong download (message from my angels/guides/God/Universe - whatever you want to call it) that it was time to share my story. I’ve never had the desire to dive into this and now I guess it’s time. It is now 5am and i’m sitting in bed with my laptop, ready to share.
It’s been almost three years to date (July 2019) since my shelf (i’ll explain what this means soon lol) broke and I officially “left” the church. And when I say “left” I mean, chose to no longer practice. Actually leaving the church is much more complicated and required me to get a lawyer letter, a notary and I then had to send all those document into the church for approval to get my records removed and actually leave. I’ll keep my opinions on that to myself. 🙃
Before we dive into the nitty gritty, let me give you some background and share some pics from my temple wedding day (my SECOND temple marriage 🤪). Yes, second. As a woman it’s not easy to get married a second time in the temple. I went through a LOT to get here, including having to have my ex-husbands approval. And yes, you guessed it… for a man, it is easy. They can get sealed and married as many times as they want in the temple with no temple divorce process or church leader approval.
This should set the stage for just how serious I was about this religion. It was my whole life, my identity, social circle, and every single decision I had made up until three years ago.
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PS… I am going to start this with a BIG PSA disclosure. This is MY experience, my opinions, my feelings and my journey. Everyone sees life and the world through their own lens and perspective based on their experiences, how they were raised etc…. Your opinions and experiences might be different than mine and that is perfect. BOTH are valid. I am not here to persuade or tell you your feelings/experiences/beliefs are wrong. I am simply sharing MY journey. I am in a healed sovereign place (after three years of intense healing and inner work) and I have no desire to argue because I simply do not care. I am so happy with my life, the growth i’ve experienced and I have zero desire to project anything onto anyone.
If anything I share triggers you, I encourage you to look within. Triggers are a beautiful light shining on the things that we get to choose to address, or continue to shove down. Both have natural consequences. 😜 If you choose to ignore your triggers like I did, just know they will get louder and more painful/in your face until they turn your world upside down. My stubborn ass has had a lot of hard awakenings because I didn’t listen the first time (or the 40th time). 🤣 Doing the work and healing even the littlest of things is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself and my growth (TRUE FREEDOM). 10/10 HIGHLY recommend it. 🙏🏼
Longest PSA ever……. Now enjoy these cute pics and story time! Aren’t we so cute? And sooooo different! Wowza!
Last PS… Trigger warning: Mention of suicide.
Okay back at it. Saunder and I were married April 19th 2013 in the Salt Lake City Temple. It was a gorgeous day surrounded by all our family and friends. This was nine years ago. A lot has happened since then but even on this special day, I felt so much anxiety in the Temple. 🥲 This gorgeous building that I had to pay tithing (10% of my income) to get into, be deemed worthy by a bishop and stake President (smaller scale leaders of Mormon churches) was supposed to be the source of peace, happiness and my ticket into the Celestial Kingdom (the top tier of heaven as taught by the Mormon Church), brought me so much distraught. My soul, my angels and guides and my inner-knowing was always screaming at me, and it took me a very long time to listen. 😔
Our marriage started off really rough and took a good three years to feel somewhat smooth. Two strong personalities learning how to communicate and work together on top of expectations galore, which we now know is never productive. 😅 Saunder and I have not had an easy ride which honestly has made our marriage and growth even better in my opinion.
In the Mormon/LDS church we have church on Sundays and usually activities during the week. Every week without fail I would wake up with massive anxiety. I never questioned why, I always just claimed the title of anxiety and made it a part of my life. Sitting in church was hard for me. There were times that I loved it and felt peace, and there were times that spirit was screaming at me. At the time, I just blamed everything on my anxiety. I never questioned the church or if I was supposed to be there.
The last time Saunder and I went to the temple to do a special ceremony (I won’t be expanding on this as it is sacred to LDS members and I want to respect that. If you are curious enough - use google or watch the new Hulu Series “Under the Banner of Heaven”), I cried the whole way there and the whole way back. I had never experienced that much anxiety before. I was so frustrated and confused. I wanted to do what was “right” and wanted to do the things a good Mormon woman and wife does. Looking back, I now know anxiety is my body’s way of telling me something is wrong. Back then I just swept it under the rug and kept doing what I was supposed to be doing.
Since I was little I always had a desire to do what was “right”. I wanted to do my best, be my best and I wanted to please my parents and leaders. The Mormon religion always came off very fear based to me and I ate it right up... the rules, the structure, and the guarantee to go to heaven if i checked the boxes, was right up my ally. I still love checklists to this day. 😂😅 Why fear based you ask? Let me give an example…
If you don’t pay your tithing you can’t get into the Temple. If you aren’t sealed in the temple, you can’t make it to the Celestial Kingdom. If you don’t make it to the Celestial Kingdom you will be split apart from your family for all time and eternity. And even worse… If you leave the church. Well, that is next to murder. Straight to hell!
It was the perfect story line to keep people (myself included) invested and scared shit-less to ever “go astray”. Who wants to leave the church, go to hell and break apart your family for eternity? That’s heavy. 😔
Bertrand Russell’s comment on fear and religion really resonates with me… "Religion is based primarily and mainly upon fear. It is partly the terror of the unknown and partly the wish to feel that you have a kind of elder brother who will stand by you in all your troubles and disputes. Fear is the basis of the whole thing – fear of the mysterious, fear of defeat, fear of death. Fear is the parent of cruelty, and therefore it is no wonder if cruelty and religion have gone hand in hand. It is because fear is at the basis of those two things."
Growing up, in my teenage years and up until I got married these fear based teachings kept me vigilant and obedient. Despite the obedience, there were little things here and there that never really resonated with me, or sometimes even upset me. Things I didn’t agree with and didn’t make sense coming from a God of love. Every time something felt off to me, I put that thing on my shelf. I’m not speaking of a physical shelf, but more of the idea that when you unearth some aspect of a church practice, doctrine, or history that you find troubling (polygamy, blood atonement, racism, homophobia etc…), the church encourages you to shelf it (metaphorically). Put it away, doubt your doubts, have faith that God will make all things known in the end.
And thats what I did.
There were a lot of things that didn’t sit well with me and like a good Mormon girl when I would question things I would use the statement, “people aren’t perfect, but the gospel is”. And that worked until it didn’t.
Fast forward to three years ago. It was June 2019. I woke up one day and was told (angels/guides/higher self/God - whatever term you prefer) I needed to reach out to an acquaintance that worked in the same company as I did. I assumed it was because we both shared anxiety (ding ding lol) and she must be going through it heavy right now.
I messaged her to see how she was doing and she went on to tell me that her life had been turned upside down and she found out some truth about her church that was rocking her and her husbands world. She continued to tell me a little more and then what she was feeling resonated in my soul. I asked her if she didn’t mind sharing what religion/church she was a part of, and she told me she was Mormon/LDS. I WAS IN SHOCK. 😱 I had no idea she was Mormon too. I proceeded to ask her if she would share what she had found and this is where it all began.
She sent me tons of info. I was scared. I felt sick. My soul was telling me that the things she was sharing was truth, but I FOUGHT it, and I fought it hard. I started out only looking at things that were “church approved” because I was taught that everything else was “anti-Mormon” and was created to cause doubt and was of Satan.
I now believe if anyone or anything encourages us to not ask questions, or presents anything based in fear/shame/guilt... that is NOT truth. God is love. Period. Everything else is just man made and manipulated to keep us stuck and not in tune with our God given intuition and higher self. I digress…
Then my friend sent me more links, some links leading to information ON the church website I had never seen before, the Gospel Topic Essays. Why hadn’t I seen it? Why hadn’t I heard of this? Why was I taught COMPLETELY different stories (key word: stories) growing up? Where was the disconnect?
After reading the Gospel Topic Essays and referencing them with scripture for a solid 4 days, I then gave myself permission to dive into non-LDS resources. Specifically the CES Letters. And HOLY SHIT. Everything was right there. The disconnect, the real history, the truth. It finally all made sense. The pieces were in front of me and I could no longer deny the history, the lies, the leaders of the church, the things hidden, the facts. All of it.
I was scared out of my mind. I felt sick. I was confused. I was still trying to find a way to justify all this information knowing what I now knew. I knew I needed to bring this up to my husband Saunder and I honestly didn’t know how. I was so confused and so distraught, but I knew I had to talk to him immediately. I sat him down and told him I had questions about the church and I was confused. He told me he would be happy to discuss anything that comes up, including the CES letter. My plan was to write down all my questions in my journal and then discuss them with him. I trusted him and wanted to hear his perspective.
As I wrote my questions and findings down, I dug into the Book of Mormon and the Bible. I cross referenced and I dug dug dug. The next thing I knew I had over 100+ questions. I was so overwhelmed. Within a day or two I had a lunch with my guy friend Brandon. It was a great time to take a break from the overwhelm and information. While I was on my way to lunch I decided to listen to the CES Letter Audiobook.
I was almost to lunch soaking in more information to prep for talking to Saunder when it hit me. My whole body started to shake and I knew what I was hearing and feeling was truth. I didn’t have questions anymore. It was clear as day. The church was not true. I felt a huge relief as well as a complete overwhelm. It was like my soul had been set free, but my human was about to experience a lot of fucking pain. I pulled into the parking lot and completely lost it. I cried, and cried and then cried more. I pulled myself together, went to lunch and then broke down on the way home again.
Within 48 hours I went from having questions to 1000% done with the LDS church. There was not a doubt in my mind that this was no longer a place or a belief system I wanted to associate with or be a part of. Knowledge is power, and it can also be very painful. Sure it’s sometimes easier to stay ignorant, to ignore the red flags and the real problems within the church, but I couldn’t any longer. I couldn’t make excuses for the church, I couldn’t justify everything I knew at that point, and it felt revolting to imagine ever going back. I was done.
I worked up the courage to tell Saunder that I was leaving the church. It took me a good 20 minutes to get the words to come out of my mouth. I knew that once I told him this, it would change everything, including our marriage. The first thing he mentioned was divorce. We both remember what he said differently so I’ll just say he mentioned divorce. 😂
My heart sunk. 💔💔
I had a feeling it might come to this and I also knew I could no longer abandon myself so I was ready to face whatever was coming. We never got divorced but the next six months ahead of us were the hardest months of my life.
After we both had a day to breath and process, we basically made a game plan going forward in regards to how we were going to proceed. We both felt like it was totally possible to stay married with different beliefs. During this time we listened to a podcast called Marriage on a Tightrope which helped us SO MUCH as we navigated a mixed faith marriage.
A few days after telling Saunder it was time to tell my parents and his parents. It went exactly as I thought it would. My parents said they were disappointed and didn’t want to know why or discuss it further. Saunder’s parents really pushed on how this would ruin my (our) “eternal family” and asked if I would meet with the missionaries. Both experiences sucked and made me feel guilt beyond belief. It was so painful and at the same time I also understood that any reaction to this news was coming from a place of love AND fear which helped me hold space for those reactions a little better. 🥰
That week I was consumed with guilt, fear and the thoughts of “what if I AM ruining my eternal family”. I convinced myself that my kids and husband were better off without me and that if I was gone Saunder would be able to find another Mormon wife and everyone would be happier. I wrote my suicide note, and long story short, I was unsuccessful. I am still here, thank goodness. Writing that out is still hard to this day. I can’t imagine not being here and not experiencing the joy, growth, deep relationships and evolution i’ve experienced over the last three years. 💔 There were angels with me that day. I felt so alone but I know I was protected and I know I was supposed to still be here to share my story.
Those first six months of transitioning out of Mormonism, trying to be human and navigating a marriage were so rough to put nicely. I was consumed by research, podcasts, reading, and conversation. Anger is a normal and necessary part of healing, but that didn’t make it any easier. I felt betrayed, lied to, frustrated and so beyond hurt. Feelings I had never felt before.
Six months passed and I went from very angry, hurt and claiming to be atheist to venturing into the most beautiful healing journey and finding spirituality in a way I never knew existed. 💫 There are actually no words for the things I’ve experienced outside of religion. Outside of confines and limits. No one gets to decide my worthiness ever again. No one gets to be the middle man in between me and the divine. I no longer live in a fear/shame based system. I am FREEEEEE!!!!
I’m grateful i’m now writing about this experience with a healed heart and a clear mind and not when I was angry and hurt. So much gratitude. 🙏🏼
I could sit and list the hundreds of things that I found that caused me to leave, but I’m not going to. I believe everyone is on their own time line and will find truth, their path and freedom, when they are ready. And maybe that isn’t in this life, and that is perfect for them. If you are curious, you will find the right info at the right time.
I used to say I “left” Mormonism, but now I prefer to say I graduated because Mormonism will always be a part of me. It is in my blood, it a part of my ancestry, and it was who I was to my core for 32 years. It was quite literally every decision I made, how I lived day to day and my entire future. As I have healed I have grown to appreciate my experience and know that it went exactly as It was supposed to. I have a soul contract in this life to experience what I did and then break free from religion and I did just that. I chose the trauma, the hardships, and the whole experience before I came to Earth in this incarnation. I’m not sure why I chose this path haha but I did!
No matter where you are on your journey, I am here holding space for you. Being human is hard, and my best advice is to follow your intuition. It was given to you for a reason.
Here is our little family after nine years of marriage and three years after leaving the church. Yes we have changed on the outside, but the most beautiful change has been from the inside. 🥰
Oh, another PS - Saunder did end up leaving the church on his own accord. We share all of this on our podcast (Unconditionally Unfiltered) if you are interested in hearing about his graduation from Mormonism! I also used Quit Mormon (a non-profit organization) to officially get my records taken out of the church so I didn’t have to meet with my bishop and be put through the ringer. It took about 5 months for my records to be officially removed.
If you made it this far, thank you for holding space for my story and experience. There is a lot I didn’t mention because it didn’t feel of importance and this might have been 400 paragraphs long. 😅 If you have evolved away from any religion or moving in that direction, I’m always open to talk, share resources or hold space! Find me on Instagram or contact me via email (all my contact info is under the contact section).
Here are some resources if you are going through a faith evolution and would like support and community and/or info:
Remove your records from the LDS church for free here:
Quit Mormon - a free/nonprofit website that processes all the documents required and helps people leave the church
Support Groups:
WTF: What the Faith (an all women’s Facebook group for women leaving religion)
Podcasts I’ve Loved:
Marriage on a Tightrope: Navigating a mixed faith relationship
Mormon Stories: Dedicated to exploring, celebrating, and challenging Mormon culture in constructive ways.
Unconditionally Unfiltered: Our podcast! We aren’t very consistent but we share when we feel called to share!
Mormons on Mushrooms: Exploring higher consciousness while healing from toxic religious shame
The Unified Intention Podcast: Help you liberate limitations caused by fear and separation through learning and practicing higher consciousness.
Instagram Accounts:
Tiffany Roe: Post Mormon Therapist - she has lots of resources and even a course for faith transitions!
The Mormon Hippie - she is going through a beautiful transition right now.
Books:
The Complete Conversations with God Series by Neale Donald Walsch (listen the the audio on this one - its my fav)
Braking the Habit of Being Yourself by Joe Dispenza
The Surrender Experiment by Michael A. Singer
The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer
Living from a Place of Surrender by Michael A. Singer
Untamed by Glennon Doyle
Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown