Separation.

Let’s just get this out of the way… Saunder and I are separated.

I’m writing this because I need to process. I need to feel it all. I need to pick up the pieces and find a new normal… and most importantly, I need to move forward. I can’t mentally answer questions or explain everything that’s happening over and over again, so a blog post it is.

This isn’t about pointing fingers or airing all the details… and it’s also not fully my story to share. I can only share my part. And honestly, I can’t show up online pretending everything’s fine when my world has cracked open. As much as I’ve wanted to hide this part of my life because it feels embarrassing, shameful, sad, and wildly uncertain… I’m not someone who can show up authentically while moving through something this big.

Saunder and I built a beautiful life and family together. We experienced things most people never will, and for that, I’m deeply grateful. At the end of the day, I have to anchor into that gratitude - into the love we shared while we had it (easier said than done, I know 😫). What a blessing to love so deeply, bring two children into the world, and to have experienced so much.

While I didn’t feel like I had a choice in this decision, I support Saunder in his. Sometimes when you love someone deeply, you have to let them walk their own path - even when that path takes them away from you. Right now, he needs space to find alignment in his own way. The more that time passes, I can see how this is the right move for us both.

Yes, this is a separation. I don’t know what this will lead to down the road, and I don’t even want to focus on that. The future is wildly unknown. But here’s my truth: I believed to my core that he was my person - my soulmate. I felt it in my bones. He was the one I wanted to tell everything to, the one I wanted to share life with. That’s what makes this hurt so much.

But as the fog lifts, I can see now how unhealthy our relationship has been for me from the very beginning. The saying “hindsight is 20/20” couldn’t be more true here. Sometimes it feels easier to stay in the same patterns because the unknown is insanely scary and uncomfortable.

I lost my voice and my power trying to become the version of me someone else wanted. I took responsibility for things that were never mine to carry, things rooted in deeper wounds that weren’t mine to heal. I made mistakes. I made myself small, ignored my intuition, and said yes when my whole body was screaming NO, just to keep the peace, just to hold onto what was familiar. Something I wanted to have hope in.

I moved in fear more times than I’d like to admit. That part is on me.

Now, I see it more clearly. I’m learning to be gentle with myself… to grieve the past versions of me who couldn’t see what I see now, or maybe just weren’t ready to. The parts of me who chose peace over truth, love over self, just to hold our marriage together.

Phew. 😮‍💨 It’s a lot.

Sometimes it feels easier to stay in fear with someone by your side than to face life alone as your fullest self. And holy shit - what a realization that’s been. As hard as this is, I finally understand that this is what’s best. The light is starting to break through the cracks, and I can feel my health, my energy, and my entire life beginning to shift.

I want to be the tough girl who shrugs this off and says, “I don’t need a man,” but the truth is… I want to be loved - wholly and fully, through thick and thin, for better or for worse, yada yada yada… all of it. I wanted to be loved by him in that way, but that hasn’t been our reality. We did the best we could with the tools we had, we got stuck in cycles from the beginning that we just couldn’t figure out how to get out of, we grew and loved the best we knew how, and now our paths have to separate. As painful as that is, I’m learning to be okay if he chooses another path, because at the end of the day, I deserve to be FULLY chosen back.

I’m sitting with the deep ache of feeling like I wasn’t enough to make him stay, that the risk of losing me was worth leaving. It’s a pain I never saw coming. I’m grieving not just the love, but the dreams, the routines, and all the little everyday moments, the wrestling, the laughter, the booty slaps, the chaos that made up our life. The family we built. The space we created. Allllllllll of it.

This feels like a death of the worst kind… the death of our relationship, the life I knew, and the plans we were making just weeks ago. It’s the kind of death where the person is still right in front of you, but you can’t reach them anymore.

My body knew the truth long before my mind could catch up. The gut issues, chronic inflammation, back pain - all of it was real. Our bodies speak when our hearts and minds can’t, and sometimes what shows up externally is often a reflection of what’s happening internally.

This past week and a half, not being able to eat, sleep, or even blacking out from panic attacks definitely wasn’t on my 2025 bingo card. But here I am, moving through it as gracefully (and as messy 😝) as I can.

The body truly does keep the score, and it’s time for me to listen… to feel, deal, and heal. Ya know?

I’ve never felt pain like this. But even in the darkness, I’m learning that asking for help doesn’t make me weak, it makes me human. My friends have shown up in ways that have left me speechless. I honestly don’t know if I’d still be standing without the handful of people who dropped everything to be by my side when I didn’t think I could make it another day. For that, I’m FOREVER grateful. 🙏🏼

I know rainbows come after storms. I know the hardest endings become our greatest teachers. I know I’ll be okay in time, but right now, I’m in the thick of it, and that’s okay too.

As much as I want to sink into bed and disappear, I’m choosing to rise. To use this time alone to rebuild myself and rediscover joy. TO GET MY SPARK BACK BABY!! ⚡️ When the kids are with him, I’ll focus on healing, reconnecting with my body, rebuilding trust with myself, and remembering who I am outside of being someone’s wife. I want to really focus on stepping into abundance, creativity, boldness, and self-love… one day, one breath at a time. 🥰

Thank you for holding space and sending love. It’s felt deeply. I know this has been shocking from the outside, and trust me, it’s been just as shocking from the inside. But I’m here, breathing through it, trusting that somehow this heartbreak is a sacred initiation into the next version of me. ✨ LFG. 😝

xo, Jalynn